Sexual fidelity is only manifested in what we can call in a generic way: “the state of love”. In addition, from a physiological point of view, the man is limited to a single “love” relationship. This because social altruism (in this chapter we also include intimate relations), does not have a hereditary character. Events of this kind (loyalty, for example) are generally acquired through education and are maintained by moral, religious or even legal codes. In other words, to be stable, it is not a specific component to our human behavior that can represent us. Nature has designed us for more “attempts”, probably to ensure the perpetuation of one's own creation. Moreover, we are the only beings on the surface of the Earth who have developed the ability to have sex for pleasure and in increasingly sophisticated ways, not just for reproduction.
And yet, why are we faithful? What is hidden behind the desire to be “moderate”?
-The fear of being caught;
-The respect for the partner;
-The fear that once discovered infidelity, this may harm the children or parents;
-The parents’ model;
-The desire to preserve life unaltered by complications;
-The fear of venereal disease;
-Morals principles imposed by society;
-Personal system of values;
-Sometimes, it’s just... not the opportunity!
Over time, feelings of affection and devotion are subtly moving away from specific feelings of sexuality. Affection towards a partner metamorphoses, takes on slightly different forms and stops being expressed primarily through sex. The pleasure of being next to a person ends up having completely different emotional valences. There is some kind of social functionality, an interdependence and a need for mutual help with the inherent problems in life which the two begin to perceive them as “common”... a kind of domestic camaraderie who helps them survive various everyday problems or achieve desired goals and desires. Of course, that in the best case! Because the idea of couple is not necessarily a linear progress of events resulting from the contemplative attraction to the physical aspect of the other. In short, once with boredom, monotony or routine, also appear the temptations, which may lead to breakups.
But back to sex, it is not conditioned by the idea of the existence of feelings of love. It's also why people sometimes try to give different shades to linguistic expressions that define eroticism. This is also why people sometimes try to give different nuances to the linguistic expressions that define eroticism. They claim that they make love when the act itself is accompanied by emotional empathy with all the complex of factors that represent the desired person and they say they have “just sex” when a relationship is limited only to the instinctual side (physical attraction).
But things may be even more nuanced.
For example, in many cases, the man can be faithful only because he wants to respect a series of beliefs or principles, constructed mentally, like a kind of coat of arms that he appreciates a lot, being firmly convinced that this will impose to those in around an idyllic personal image. In fact, he is faithful only to himself, to specific “internal” norms, important only to himself. In this case, the partner has nothing to do with the equation, since her presence is another casual component of the idea of a couple.
Sometimes, fidelity is simply the expression of a desired inner perfection, a sign of “spiritual evolution”, maturity, purity, chastity... because it is a model imposed by the society. So, it has been decided by people over time, sometimes without even knowing for themselves why... because it's moral, civilized and “beautiful”. Certainly, “males” overcome temptation with difficulty, rarely having victories in the struggle with the idea of “emancipation”. But when they succeed, the starting point of their resistance to temptation is one of internal nature, considering that it is at risk the integrity of their dignity and, ultimately, the image of the couple (whose leader he is... so still a matter of pride).
Women do not really agree with the difference between love and sex, because actually, for them, the intimate contact has totally another valence, manifesting itself in a much broader formula than that of men.
But the unbeatable and unequivocally argument in favor of the concept of dissociating affection from instinct is masturbation. For although it excite us and makes us happy, we never fall in love with the “subject” of fantasies that supports our self-satisfaction demarche.
In a certain stage of the couple, both partners can love each other and yet not be in love with each other. How is it possible?
“If he/she is not near me, I feel his/her absence as a need to be together, as a feeling that something is missing... I love, but it seems though I have not those emotions, those butterflies in the stomach, as often happens whenever we saw or talked on the phone in the beginning.”
Well, in such a situation a natural need to love in general develops, and NOT necessarily someone in particular. Probably each of us has experienced such inner urge, at least once in life, especially after the age of 26-35 years, when the inner need of affection can be considered “Stage of expectation and willingness to love”. In that period, if a “Prince” or a “Princess” happens to appear on the horizon of a couple, one partner might fall in love, and the other... will remain alone.
There is nothing unusual for a married man or woman, at a certain point in their common existence, to feel for a person a feeling of sympathy, sexual attraction or a real passion. As we have said before, during the “passion” phase, lucidity and reason are reduced significantly or even “abolished”.
Sexual infidelity is more prevalent among men and causes various types of expressions:
-those who from various own or external reasons have not yet reached their emotional stability;
-those who have doubts about virility (constantly wanting to “check themselves”);
-and, of course, those who “suffer” from hyper-eroticism.
If the case of Eve's offsprings, the availability towards ephemeral relationships, is favored both by sexual disinhibition (generally stimulated by the idea that women are allowed and forgive anything) and the approach of a rapacious attitude (both materially and spiritually). By “satellite relationships” she is trying either to take revenge on those who have created her some negative memories wounding her own ego or to “feed” with more material benefits or even intimate, emotional ones (in case of narcissists) to fill the gap created by the feeling that they are neglected.
Last but not least, through such casual affairs women are looking for a kind of a “vitamin” for strengthening their ego or for the confirmation of feelings of self worth.
There are situations in which some people may not be faithful, even if they really love their partner. But in general, they seek outside (besides the couple), that “something” that is missing inside.
Often what triggers the desire to look “elsewhere” is rooted in the simple things. For the man, the motivation is found in the absence of understanding, of the feeling that he is not valued, listened to, appreciated or for the lack of interest of his partner to experience new things or something more unusual. For the woman... the need to feel desired, courted, important, to be sure that she awakens passion and admiration. And these are just a few summary examples...
Also, the lack of responsiveness between partners, the absence of a common language, of honest dialogue through which these honest needs to be understood... are in turn causes that arise germs of infidelity.
The strongest reason, however, remains unsatisfiedness of sexual fantasies. Thus, it is sufficient for one partner to laugh or to condemn the other one's desire to put into practice a certain curiosity, a need to diversify a little the atmosphere in the bedroom or simply trying to communicate it, to feel the denial, without charge or senseless judgment from his other “half” and thus the whole “marriage” not to be whole no longer.
You are in a relationship for a long time, you love each other, but sometimes you would also want a “second meal”. Extramarital affair is perceived as an escape, an impulse, a physical need above reason! And it happens...
Some do not make any problem about this. They consider it is their right won by the mere fact that they are men and... that’s what men do. It is a modus vivendi, and for their partners, the aspect itself must be accepted with resignation, as something that is implicit part of their life as a couple.
Others come back “home”, with the feeling of sorry, with fear of not being ever discoverred the “wrong” done, swearing that they will not repeat the experience. The guilt feeling, the shame of having committed immorality are just some of the thoughts that go through their mind in those moments.
The idea that if someone cheated once, will do it again the second time, may be valid and is in a ratio in direct proportion to the internal “solutions” that the culprit will find following the mental torture after the first escapade. The ones with rich fantasy will invent out enough arguments to excuse the gesture and... will repeat it.
The importance of attenuant circumstances. Is anyone to blame? Of course... it's always the other's fault!
Some people overcome inner resistances and guilt, letting themselves be led more easily by the urge to prove to themselves that “they are still attractive”, “they still can”. At the first opportunity, they will definitely “make a mistake” for the second time, the third time, and so on.
Others are feeling guily for the wandering moment, carrying in their souls this “dirty” secret even for a lifetime.
A form of counter-mounted guilt can be the total focus on the partner, with the risk of the appearance of the feeling of jealousy as a setback of the own betrayal. Another option to get rid of the bonds of resentment is to take refuge in work or in various hobbies. An absolutely not recommended option is the alcohol or other addictions more or less prohibited. The most common “getting out” however, is recognition. Especially in the case where it is considered that this alternative is the only possible form of liberation. A choice on the moment but quite expensive. It is good that both partners to be prepared spiritually for the worse. Dealing with such truths, is not exactly idyllic.
Another solution is to ask the help of counselors to find the best solutions or psychotherapy, depending on the case and the needs.
When tensions arise, members of the couple will be forced to re-analyze their own feelings, re-evaluate the relationship, cope with the partner's reproach, betrayed trust, rebuild spiritual bonding bridges together or to accept the idea of separation and subsequent of loneliness.
The fear of loneliness. “Better alone in two, than without you! I’ll do anything for you to forgive me!”
When discovering infidelity, partners feel betrayed, humiliated... they are angry and hurt. They reproache, then resign, they emotionally blackmail or they consider they are justified “to pay with the same coin”.
Remaining together, regaining the trust of the partner... is a very difficult task, which involves effort and personal sacrifices. But when it comes to love and desire to stay together, people find enough resources and power to start over.
All this... not before finding the essential answers for the couple's problems. You have to fight for an effective, real communication to retrieve the sexual attraction and the soul of the one besides you!
But... remember that no bauble (as fragile as love) will look the same as before, when being repaired after breaking up into fragments.