Awkward or less pleasant things about sex

Awkward or less pleasant things about sex

Sex is great. But not always happens like in the movies: in an atmosphere full of romance, with scented candles organized strategically or red rose petals scattered over the sheets that portend... action. 

Sometimes, in the real life, the love scenes are flecked with the inevitable embarrassing "mistakes", which we never see on TV, except in comedies, parodies or video -clips with ironical tint (but certainly funny). The fallings during the attempts of striptease, desynchronized reactions of the partners, numbness of limbs in awkward positions (copied from XXX productions, but less realistic for the mere mortals, addicted to fast-food and sedentary lifestyle), are just some of the adventures that can turn sex, into a source of comical-disappointing happenings. 

Clumsinesses and imperfection are, however, absolutely natural. Because there is no mechanical interaction and perfect closeness when it comes to the people. And honesty is the best "weapon" against all situations that can be easily included in the category "it would have been better not to happen so".

Here are a few "sources" of possible such "adventures":

1.-The odors. If during sex, the air would smell like linden blossom, jasmine of Madagascar or orchids, the atmosphere would definitely be, at least magnificent. But in those moments of maximum pampering of the senses, the natural odors are those which take over control, mercilessly. And no matter how exciting or good aphrodisiac we might say it is the "flavor" of a sweaty body and the adjacent secretions, the combination may not be pleasant for anyone. Neither literally nor figuratively. 

2.-The gases. Of course, the last thing a "he" or " she" found in the middle of erotic "debates"  would want from life, is a stomach disturbance or an imminent "crisis" of  flatus, to gracefully "crown" the euphoria of the event (audible and/or olfactory). However, the body offers also such surprises or "spurts", including in contexts less suitable (such as those of "love"), and the best method to overcome them, consists in the (self) irony and humor. The embarrassment and "innocent" dissimulation (something wrong?), are reactions totally unsuitable and, after all , similar "disaster"  can happen to everyone, while the sound or smell... may not be covered with a stupid  gesture that would like to suggest innocence.

3.-The semen. It is not excluded that in the apogee of the games initiated, the "substance" of malehood to burst unexpectedly, like an out of control artesian fountain, directly into the hair, eyes, face or other parts of partner’s body taken by surprise by such an "attack". Which certainly does not affect the joy of gentlemen (on the contrary). But some "victims", might have something to object to the fact that their capillary adornment may turn into punk or new age "peaks" (if they delay too much with the "final" hugs and will not quickly go to the shower), her eyes will be covered unpleasantly with the sensation of getting burned, and the taste... might be that in certain cases, it vaguely resemble to the juice of too ripened fruits, left for a long time in the sun.

4.-Swallowing the semen. No matter how passionate and "kinky" would seem the deed itself, swallowing the semen is not equivalent, however, with enjoying a vanilla milkshake, flavored with mint leaves and maple syrup. Especially in terms of taste and texture. Therefore, it may be rejected by the digestive system, making way back toward the place from where it burst out from, but in a different form... something more consistent and accompanied by "shouts".

5.-The underwear. It would be ideal, of course, the ladies to wear underwear purchased especially from Victoria's Secret, lace-embroidered on edges and tempting garter belts as a bonus. And the gentlemen, the sexiest piece of their personal collection. But as sex doesn't come every time "on-demand", but also unexpectedly, it is possible for the two, to be surprised hiding under their clothes, that kind of underwear that can be, eventually worn in a rainy day of solitude and only around the house. The idea of getting undressed in the privacy of the bathroom, is truly inspired and brilliant, but in no case forgetting the "sample" hang out there... in full view. The effect can be desolating even "after"!

6.-The dirty language. For some people, vulgar words do miracles in the bedroom. For those not very skilled, who are venturing in the realm of dirty expressions or... excessively dirty ones, just because they heard that "successful" lovers or mistresses do so, the attempt to articulate dirty words, which are coming from anywhere else but not from their own feelings, it's more than inadequate and unsuitable, leaving the impression of a text reproduced stupididly... without understanding its meaning.

7.-Facial expressions during orgasm. Of course that during orgasm nobody takes time to wonder if he/she looks decently or not, rolling the eyes, clutching the jaw or on the contrary, yawning like in the case of asphyxia ... because everyone is concerned to "absorb" the most of the intensity of the moment. From the outside, though, things may look funny or even bizarre, and in no case sexy, a real concern reason (and prudence), where it is decided the shooting of the session (to be watched later, in a totally different mood) or supervised by a homogeneous group of voyeurists, equipped with a considerable amount of popcorn, soft drinks and curiosity.

8.-The eye contact during oral sex. Sometimes, it happens that the eyes of those bound by the power of fate, but also by a hoggish round of oral sex, to intersect providentially, and the protagonists to have doubts about what kind of facial expression should have in such circumstances. One expressing submission, ecstasy and devotion or an "aggressive", passionate and devouring one? The undecided balance between the two options, usually reveals exactly the opposite of what it is needed! 

9.-The anal sex. For some people, anal sex represents a fear greater than the fear of spiders (or the panic to discover that it is no longer toilet paper in the bathroom at the shopping mall), not so much because of the pain, but because of the certain sensation (an uncontrollable one) that the act will finally lead to a quite "beautiful" defecation, which can desolately "spot" the bold intention.

10.-Having sex in front of your pets. When things get suddenly hot, and "the fervent ones" do not have time to place the intrusive pet in a next room or somewhere in the neighborhood, the atmosphere may become really uncomfortable and by default, the mood to play to be wasted, both because of the feeling determined by the additional pair of eyes (eventually phosphorescent) upon them, as well as of the unnatural  attempt manifested by the creature, to participate in its own way (but eager),  to the strange and new "habits" of their owners.

11.-The uninvited guests. What can affect more the disinhibited and put to "work" libido, than the unannounced visit paid by some friends or family members, who besides the fact they are repeatedly pressing the bell or knocking insistently on the door, they also have the false opinion (or maybe they are not even interested in) that once entered in the house, they are welcome to join, throwing themselves, with a mood for conversation, on the slightly damp sofa in the middle of the room and grasping under them the intimate underwear thrown by the "host"  into the whirl of events occurred shortly before, used condoms or more "awesome"... some unusual sex toy  (as shape or color).

12.-The delayed reactions. If one of the partners receives an erotic treatment less agreeable or even painful, without showing the other his/her discomfort, it is very difficult  to express the discontent subsequently, when his/her half soul already unleashed to stubbornly demonstrate his/her skills which he/she considers to be "ultra-special". To avoid the full minutes of resignation, ridiculously waiting for the final of the "show" (minutes that seem an eternity), any disagreeable initiative arrived from the opposite side should be discouraged in time.  

13.-The obsession with body hair. Ladies always make sure from time that they will be perfectly smooth and depilated everywhere at their next dreamlike sexual encounter. Sometimes, men also live the phobia of the hair in excess, relying, as their partners, to the removal of the undesirable pilosity. Even so, it is inevitable that when practicing certain positions which make extremely vulnerable some intimate areas, the ones in question not to wonder whether their own means of hair removal or the skills of the cosmetician from the salon did really do  their job from A-Z. The answer, though, unfortunately, will always be found... by the other one.

14.-The inappropriate comments. In addition to the exclamations, interjections and onomatopoeia, various how-tos, suggestions or "dirty” words, another type of comments and mentions are not to have any place in the middle of intercourse, generally this being impossible to fit, in any form whatsoever, to the academic discussions about Plato's dialectic, climatic anomalies or who buys bread tonight. Any escape from the decor, be it verbal, can distract the attention from what was meant to be a total break from reality, completed with accelerated pulse and possibly a small orgasm... at least a very, very discreet one.

15.-Another one’s name. Nearly everyone has fantasies whose content is not limited necessarily to the official partner. A few, however, are those sufficiently mature and wise enough not to issue the claim that their intimate parts to be the only ones to which their partner dreams obstinately all the time. Yet even for them, hearing their half soul calling another one’s name when only the two of them are between the sheets, can be a quite unpleasant and disturbing circumstance.